Saccharine Thoughts

The winds of change have blown hard this season. Wafts of good, gusts of bad, and tempests of whatthefff...?? Change can be tough, especially for a planner like me. I like to follow my self-made maps and timelines; I make to-do lists for the sake of checking things off, one, two, three. If I am not working toward something, I’m just not happy. This, by and large, is why I haven’t written anything in months, and nothing worthwhile in over a year. 2011 – you have been what we call a rut. Yet, when significant changes come about all at once, I find it easier to just let go and drift a bit on the breeze. A lack of control over changes can in turn be met with a lack of a plan: no productivity toward a nonexistent goal equals no stress. Uncaring, unanchored, unfeeling; merely existing. For a little while, anyway. Change is hard because it forces us out of a planned, comfortable normalcy. By this logic, change is really the best catalyst for growth. After having drifted aimlessly for a...

Just want to share this article by one foul-mouthed badass via another . It's aptly-time, not because I'm blogging teary-eyed from a Kmart parking lot (I'm not) but because today I did reach the end of my rope. Tolerance for bullshit is shot, patience and resources waning, and faith in people at an all-time low because lately, they've proven to be a royally disappointing bunch.

I wrote a bit last week on defining love , and subsequently suffered a minor epiphany. A Runaway Bride moment, if you will (humor me here, and I promise to never reference a crappy late 90’s Julia Roberts movie again) . While I know how I like my eggs and all that - over easy with cheddar and avocado, thankyouverymuch - it occurred to me that some people I consider near and dear to me, may not.

Oh, how I have missed writing here. No excuses or apologies, blogging has just not been at the top of my to-do list. Come to think of it, I'm pretty sure it hasn't made the list at all in a while; just been floating around my planner on a neon post-it along with last week's grocery list and a flirty barista's phone number.

We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It’s easy. The first girl I ever loved was someone I knew in sixth grade. Her name was Missy; we talked about horses. The last girl I love will be someone I haven’t even met yet, probably. They all count.

As if Joss Whedon hadn't already proven his superior level awesome, here are a few of his thoughts on Humanism and Education with some humor mixed in, circa 2009. I shared some of my own thoughts on faith well over a year ago, and I find it phenomenal to hear a similar standpoint reiterated so eloquently and honestly. "The important thing is not that we are right. The important thing is: where do we go from where?"

You guys! Can you believe the year is halfway over already?! Well, 7/12 over, to be more accurate. 2010 has kept me oh-so-busy, but it has treated me oh-so-well. Let’s be honest: 2009? It kind of sucked. I dreaded going in to work at HomeAway each morning, as my job there had become utterly mind-numbing. I stumbled through two fickle, overdramatic attempts at dating. Throw in a roommate who bailed on a 14-month lease and a fourth knee surgery, and you can see why I was pretty ready to see the year come to an end. 2010 started off with a bang… and a clangor… and a crash, as I resolutely ended the second of ‘09s wavering relationships, and left my reasonably-well-paying employment... and benefits... and 4 weeks of vacation for the great unknown. During a recession. Whee! As it turns out, the Universe had much bigger things in store for me—I was unexpectedly reunited with a year-old crush over a game of pool which, nigh 6 months later, has blossomed into a fulfilling friendship and ...

I got the job . *happy dance*

In the month or two that I've been so carelessly absent here, my living situation has been decidedly... undecided. The roommate with whom I signed a 14-month lease expressed interest in moving out back in May (lease ends October 19) and followed through on her whim to bail in June, leaving me with our ideal 2/2 apartment and double rent. Coincidentally, a friend fresh out of A&M thought he might take the spare room but has yet to find a job, so that fell through. I had plans of subletting a friend's apartment when he leaves for school in September and thought I would just tough out the double rent until then. That plan went ka-put as well, and probably for the better. I made the solid decision last week to re-sign the lease on my own. Yes, that is just how much I love this apartment, the location, the people... Vaulted ceilings, spacious layout, washer/dryer connections, colorful accent walls painted by yours truly, all this tucked away in Austin's Greenbelt with a bea...

Hi. Remember me? Yeah, I once was the author of a neat little blog, but then my real life took over and the internet-me had to take a back seat. I am back in action now though, and will be doing my best to get up to pace with my posts and fill you in on all the wonderfully neat things that have pulled me away from my regular pandering here on Saccharine Thoughts. The first of September is upon us, which I think I can safely call Autumn even though it's still a hundred f'ing degrees here in Austin. Anyone who is anyone knows that the first of the month means it is time for a little check-in with the to-do list fairy. September promises to be a ridiculously busy month, so here is what lies ahead: The Out of Bounds Comedy Festival , which I highly suggest to anyone in Austin who remotely enjoys laughing. OOB consists of wonderfully talented comedy, sketch and improv groups from all over the country dogpiled into this awesome little city I call home. I will be shooting shows back-t...

Wouldn't it be grand if we could heal all the people we love? Comfort them with foresight and a guarantee of what's to come. Make them forget how they had been hurt before, forget how their hearts had been broken, forget the moment they learned to no longer trust. Stitch up where others had gone wrong and make them believe that it won't happen again. What does it take to slough off the callouses from such old scars? Scarring is the body's emergency freakout reaction to a wound - the result of an overabundance of white blood cells that lay a new bed of fibers to heal. It creates a thick, protective barrier that while effective in its use as replacement for damaged tissue, is far inferior to its predecessor. Scars do not grow, do not feel, barely live - they rather just kind of exists. Some scars run too deep to soften; instead the scar tissue binds itself to the muscle underneath, hindering its ability to function at all. I have come to think that learning to love, trust...

Hope is something innate in the human psyche, something imbedded in the brain that allows us to see a spark of sunlight on a dreary day. For me it is something that doesn’t just keep me afloat through the maelstroms of life, but that gives me reasons to smile everyday. However childish or whimsical this is it is how I have been wired; hope is my fuel. As I age I notice that thoughts, feelings, changes and decisions become more important and thus a little more frightening, yet my faith in the positive seems to hold strong. I have to ask myself now though, is there a point when the naiveté of hope becomes a hindrance? The Greeks personified Hope as Elpis – a childlike being housed with all the evils of the world in Pandora’s box. Elpis was the only item to remain captive when the other evils were released, and was said to have been set free when mankind could not manage the other evils without it. This begs the question: what on earth was hope – humanity’s antidote to despair...

After watching yesterday's RT Pajamachievements and sulking about how much I dislike hearing my own voice (it's a personal source of annoyance) I embraced Sarah Von's idea here of assembling a "marching band of our own horns" to toot in unison. Per her suggestion, I will be balancing out all that self-voice-loathing I did yesterday. Yes and Yes is a source of encouragement, inspiration, or in the least a good giggle for me almost every day, so here goes: 5 physical things that I adore about myself, and you should too! My eyes - blueish/greenish/grayish with an occasional hint of amber, they are extremely expressive and change according to my mood. My smile - While I have been told it's mature, genuine and encouraging, who knows how much of that is fluff and flattery? What I do know is that it comes completely natural to me to smile approximately 87.5% of the time. My nipples - yes, weird and probably TMI for anyone reading, but I am incredibly thankful that ...

I am absolutely awestruck at how much power a human touch can contain. Especially given the right touch, the right human; it has the strength to dismiss all negative feelings. Even if for a moment, it can make everything ok again. Over the past few days I have tried to push myself to do things, enjoy things and appreciate things. I have been trying to force the positive feeling that normally comes so natural to me, but to no avail. I’m worn thin from it; unable and not knowing how to handle anything I have started to feel almost delusional and find myself laughing just because it’s far better than crying, even if there is nothing funny. Last night that right touch from the right person did more good in a moment than I have been able to do for myself in a week, and I hate it. Completely, absolutely hate it. That contempt is the shriek of my pride. The stubborn side of me that swore I could make myself better on my own and obstinately tried to impose thoughts and ...

Here goes, you get to see a side of me I hate to admit exists. I have been sunk deep into a rotten mood for days, thus the lack of entries. Feeling less like myself everyday, it is so hard to dig oneself out of that without someone there to lend a hand, but I have to, HAVE TO, pull myself out of this on my own. I can’t count on others to make me feel like me again, no matter how badly I want to curl up on my end of that bright red couch with someone next to me. While I know that would give me the sense of comfort, hope and utter happiness that I’ve been craving, it is not what I need, because there won’t always be someone there to warm the couch cushions with me. Bored, lonely, badly lacking energy. Really sore, frustrated, tired of hauling 12 pounds of steel around on my leg, tired of strangers trying to hide their stares and failing miserably. Scared shitless of a possible infection in the large incision that’s still healing, and that my surgery may fail again with no real cause desp...

This week was a damn fun one! I have been getting up earlier every single morning to do my exercises and crunches, +11 (what, one point for every day right?) I spent lots quality time with old and new friends, +4 I went dress shopping and for the first time ever felt great about it, +1 Got in some practice time with my camera, +1 And realized I’m much better with my film than my digital SLR Minolta, probably due to lack of practice with the latter. On Saturday I had one of the best and most memorable Valentine’s Days that I’ve ever had, and the first one ever to be spent single. As for other goals, I really can’t claim any solid progress, so it’s time I start living by to-do lists. This week’s list is focused here: catching up with all the entries I’ve saved and not published and uploading and editing all the photos from the past 2 months to add to my new Flickr account. Also focusing on the newsletter at work, which is just starting to take form and will hopefully open some doors for ...

My Morning Elegance Where in me lies my elegance? My charm? The morningtime provides a time of innocence, that time when the light still barely peeks through my muslin curtains, before I’ve been polluted by the negativity of the outside world. It’s in that filmy state of mind when I’m truly me, made up of only my own thoughts. So what is it in the morning that glows through my being that makes the person lying next to me roll over and feel the immediate need to wrap his arms around me and not let go? Whatever it is, I can only hope I wear it throughout the day. There are those mornings when I feel it slip away as my bare feet touch the floor. Like waking from a dream, the sparkles fade from my demeanor. Those sparkles are what I fight for daily; to not lose them, to not let them be sucked from my smile by the monotony of the day. It is those sweet moments of beauty and hope that all too often get glossed over, those seconds in life that make me pause and smile that let me know it’s wo...

Things have changed considerably since I mapped out my game plan here. My course has suddenly shifted like the walls of a labyrinth and the obstacles are not things I will be able to push out of the way, so my goals must change accordingly. Lucky for me one of my favorite blogs started the iCing Transformation Challenge on Sunday, and I am actively taking part. Time redefine these goals and reroute my path to get to them. So much for dance lessons, and for strengthening my climbing ability. For the next month I’ll be focusing on strengthening this leg in preparation for reconstructive surgery on March 5, in hopes that fortifying it now will help in rehab and lessen the inevitable effects of atrophy later. Stretching, leg lifts and other ergonomic exercises every morning and why not crunches while I’m at it, since I won’t be too capable of doing much along the lines of cardio for another 3 months. I’d still like to do my best to lose about 10 pounds, so cleaning up my eating habits is...

What good is a destination without a path to get there? None what-so-ever, so it's time I set myself on a road that leads somewhere, even if I'm not completely sure where. 6 Months will put us in July 2009 Continue blog with 4 posts per week Paint 3 small pieces for living room, 2 large for bedroom, refinish desk and paint glass top! Work on tattoo design, to be done in April? Lose 10-12 lbs Pay off UT debt by April Apply for new MC and transfer balance Apply bonus and tax return to pay off Visa Save $ for summer classes Keep up with newsletter at work; look for opportunities inside & outside of HomeAway. Take NTR 311 ( Spring Summer, online Eng upper-division class (Summer I, in-res) Eng upper-division class (Summer II, in-res) Look into taking final class/Sr Seminar, hopefully abroad Revise research papers on News from Nowhere and Man vs Moreau, flesh out short story responses. Practice Spanish, reread Spanis...

2009, where have you been all my life? I’ve waited anxiously for you to arrive and wipe my slate clean. A fresh start, a new day, another try is just what I have needed. I have my resolutions, a few good ones at that: stop being late. Better yet, start being early. Make time for things that make me happy – climbing, cooking, reading, painting. Finish my second degree. Travel; go someplace I’ve never been that will make me want to stay there. I have much higher expectations for the coming year than just these short term goals. 2009, I want you to sweep me off my feet. Push me beyond the boundaries I know and give me opportunities to prove to myself in them. Give me reasons to laugh and smile. No more disappointment lines; from here on out any wrinkle I get will be from something joyful. Give me something that sparkles every day; jewels of love and friendship, trinkets of happiness and memories that will embellish the rest of my life. Give me adventures to pur...