Saccharine Thoughts

I wrote a bit last week on defining love , and subsequently suffered a minor epiphany. A Runaway Bride moment, if you will (humor me here, and I promise to never reference a crappy late 90’s Julia Roberts movie again) . While I know how I like my eggs and all that - over easy with cheddar and avocado, thankyouverymuch - it occurred to me that some people I consider near and dear to me, may not.

We all have the potential to fall in love a thousand times in our lifetime. It’s easy. The first girl I ever loved was someone I knew in sixth grade. Her name was Missy; we talked about horses. The last girl I love will be someone I haven’t even met yet, probably. They all count.

You guys! Can you believe the year is halfway over already?! Well, 7/12 over, to be more accurate. 2010 has kept me oh-so-busy, but it has treated me oh-so-well. Let’s be honest: 2009? It kind of sucked. I dreaded going in to work at HomeAway each morning, as my job there had become utterly mind-numbing. I stumbled through two fickle, overdramatic attempts at dating. Throw in a roommate who bailed on a 14-month lease and a fourth knee surgery, and you can see why I was pretty ready to see the year come to an end. 2010 started off with a bang… and a clangor… and a crash, as I resolutely ended the second of ‘09s wavering relationships, and left my reasonably-well-paying employment... and benefits... and 4 weeks of vacation for the great unknown. During a recession. Whee! As it turns out, the Universe had much bigger things in store for me—I was unexpectedly reunited with a year-old crush over a game of pool which, nigh 6 months later, has blossomed into a fulfilling friendship and ...

Wouldn't it be grand if we could heal all the people we love? Comfort them with foresight and a guarantee of what's to come. Make them forget how they had been hurt before, forget how their hearts had been broken, forget the moment they learned to no longer trust. Stitch up where others had gone wrong and make them believe that it won't happen again. What does it take to slough off the callouses from such old scars? Scarring is the body's emergency freakout reaction to a wound - the result of an overabundance of white blood cells that lay a new bed of fibers to heal. It creates a thick, protective barrier that while effective in its use as replacement for damaged tissue, is far inferior to its predecessor. Scars do not grow, do not feel, barely live - they rather just kind of exists. Some scars run too deep to soften; instead the scar tissue binds itself to the muscle underneath, hindering its ability to function at all. I have come to think that learning to love, trust...

I am absolutely awestruck at how much power a human touch can contain. Especially given the right touch, the right human; it has the strength to dismiss all negative feelings. Even if for a moment, it can make everything ok again. Over the past few days I have tried to push myself to do things, enjoy things and appreciate things. I have been trying to force the positive feeling that normally comes so natural to me, but to no avail. I’m worn thin from it; unable and not knowing how to handle anything I have started to feel almost delusional and find myself laughing just because it’s far better than crying, even if there is nothing funny. Last night that right touch from the right person did more good in a moment than I have been able to do for myself in a week, and I hate it. Completely, absolutely hate it. That contempt is the shriek of my pride. The stubborn side of me that swore I could make myself better on my own and obstinately tried to impose thoughts and ...

This comic changed my life last summer. No joke.

Who cares. Who cares if it's sensible or logical; if it's sound, rational, justified or guaranteed to end well. I'll take my delicious ambiguity over lackluster security any day. "I wanted a perfect ending... Now, I've learned the hard way that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Ah, delicious ambiguity." - Gilda Radner Also, sometimes I think Bill Lawrence is mocking me.

Oh Scrubs, you make me blush, laugh and sometimes want to cry.