Warmth

I am absolutely awestruck at how much power a human touch can contain. Especially given the right touch, the right human; it has the strength to dismiss all negative feelings. Even if for a moment, it can make everything ok again.


Over the past few days I have tried to push myself to do things, enjoy things and appreciate things. I have been trying to force the positive feeling that normally comes so natural to me, but to no avail. I’m worn thin from it; unable and not knowing how to handle anything I have started to feel almost delusional and find myself laughing just because it’s far better than crying, even if there is nothing funny.


Last night that right touch from the right person did more good in a moment than I have been able to do for myself in a week, and I hate it. Completely, absolutely hate it.


That contempt is the shriek of my pride. The stubborn side of me that swore I could make myself better on my own and obstinately tried to impose thoughts and feelings (and lackthereof) is rapt, humbled and broken.


All it took was the warmth and electricity of a touch. Just a strong, deep hug, a kiss on the head, feeling the breath of a whisper near my ear dissolved all the worry, fear and frustration from the past couple of weeks. That touch commanded away all the negative and destructive things that have drug me down, kicking and screaming. The physical pain went away. I was safe, warm and happy; recharged with the energy and love I was enveloped in. In that tiny, private moment I was me again.


It makes me want to surrender.


So what now? I know where my safe place is and where I can find my healing, but I am still so afraid to go all-in again. What is the point? It's not for good. It will not always be there, I cannot bring myself to count on it now.

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