Pick Me Up
Here goes, you get to see a side of me I hate to admit exists.
I have been sunk deep into a rotten mood for days, thus the lack of entries. Feeling less like myself everyday, it is so hard to dig oneself out of that without someone there to lend a hand, but I have to, HAVE TO, pull myself out of this on my own. I can’t count on others to make me feel like me again, no matter how badly I want to curl up on my end of that bright red couch with someone next to me. While I know that would give me the sense of comfort, hope and utter happiness that I’ve been craving, it is not what I need, because there won’t always be someone there to warm the couch cushions with me.
Bored, lonely, badly lacking energy. Really sore, frustrated, tired of hauling 12 pounds of steel around on my leg, tired of strangers trying to hide their stares and failing miserably. Scared shitless of a possible infection in the large incision that’s still healing, and that my surgery may fail again with no real cause despite the fact that I am weeks ahead of the normal recovery schedule. Most of all sad that all of this is culminating at a time when I don't have my usual pillar to lean on, and I just want to be normal again.
I could not even muster the energy last night to go to the grocery. It takes so much to convince myself to strap my brace back on, trudge down the stairs and leave my apartment. I have never ever felt the world to be cold; now it's like the click of my brace echos deafeningly with every step. Apparently I've become self-conscious again, something I haven't felt in a long time, and my patience for jokes about my knee and my brace is waning while harmless, well-intentioned nicknames have started to genuinely piss me off. I have distracted myself with work and didn’t even realize how much I had completed last week until report time came around yesterday - a result of the driving force of the desire to not think. I even took off for a 24-hour unannounced sans-cell-phone trip to Minerals Wells, just to get the hell away.
Gala’s timing sometimes seems impeccable; I woke up this morning after a full 8 hours of sleep, hoping for a pick-me-up like this.
While I can’t do most of the things on that list due to either lack of money, impulse to be alone or the hunk of metal weighing down my right side, it made me think of the things that have given me some sense of hope this week. This is what I have done to distract myself; what I did and will do to burrow up and out of this dark hole I have let myself fall into:
I have been sunk deep into a rotten mood for days, thus the lack of entries. Feeling less like myself everyday, it is so hard to dig oneself out of that without someone there to lend a hand, but I have to, HAVE TO, pull myself out of this on my own. I can’t count on others to make me feel like me again, no matter how badly I want to curl up on my end of that bright red couch with someone next to me. While I know that would give me the sense of comfort, hope and utter happiness that I’ve been craving, it is not what I need, because there won’t always be someone there to warm the couch cushions with me.
Bored, lonely, badly lacking energy. Really sore, frustrated, tired of hauling 12 pounds of steel around on my leg, tired of strangers trying to hide their stares and failing miserably. Scared shitless of a possible infection in the large incision that’s still healing, and that my surgery may fail again with no real cause despite the fact that I am weeks ahead of the normal recovery schedule. Most of all sad that all of this is culminating at a time when I don't have my usual pillar to lean on, and I just want to be normal again.
I could not even muster the energy last night to go to the grocery. It takes so much to convince myself to strap my brace back on, trudge down the stairs and leave my apartment. I have never ever felt the world to be cold; now it's like the click of my brace echos deafeningly with every step. Apparently I've become self-conscious again, something I haven't felt in a long time, and my patience for jokes about my knee and my brace is waning while harmless, well-intentioned nicknames have started to genuinely piss me off. I have distracted myself with work and didn’t even realize how much I had completed last week until report time came around yesterday - a result of the driving force of the desire to not think. I even took off for a 24-hour unannounced sans-cell-phone trip to Minerals Wells, just to get the hell away.
Gala’s timing sometimes seems impeccable; I woke up this morning after a full 8 hours of sleep, hoping for a pick-me-up like this.
While I can’t do most of the things on that list due to either lack of money, impulse to be alone or the hunk of metal weighing down my right side, it made me think of the things that have given me some sense of hope this week. This is what I have done to distract myself; what I did and will do to burrow up and out of this dark hole I have let myself fall into:
- Blast music far louder than I should, in an attempt to drown out the thoughts I’m trying to train myself not to have.
- Get my tears out of my system, figure out just what's bothered me and start working out ways to fix it.
- Spoil my dog - $40 well spent at Petsmart.
- Take time to make breakfast and eat it on the patio in the morning.
- Did 300 crunches in my red and pink lacy knickers.
- Eat a frozen thin mint. Just one, that’s all.
- Listened to Eddie Izzard.
- Flirt with my physical therapist.
- Admire my lack of love handles, and the signs of my four-pack abs making their long-awaited return. Rejoiced in the fact that I can wear my rockstar corset shirt again, and even tried on that Roxy bikini I bought 3 years ago but haven’t had the guts to wear. I will, WILL, sport it this year.
- Had dinner with Jason.
- Rolled around in the floor with Carmen, since I can’t exactly chase her about outside. I have missed her so much, despite her constant coverage of the carpet with red hair.
- Set a few new easily-reachable goals to give myself things to do and cross off my list. Tiny victories...
- Make cookies and brownies for all those people who helped me out so much and gave me rides while I was laid up.
- Make Kacey’s belated birthday cake.
- Take Carmen to the dog park.
- Make a reasonable wishlist for future spoiling ventures. Satin robe, new boots, new makeup brushes…
- Finish my tattoo design and the logo design for Megan’s popcorn company.
- Let people that I love know it without a doubt.
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