This Time It’s Personal

I have recently come to see that one of the hardest things for me to deal with is being misunderstood.

Before you go calling me a melodramatic emo kid, hear me out. I am not referring to the no-one-gets-me, I’m-a-lonesome-snowflake-floating-in-the-dark type of misunderstood.

What I am getting at are those moments when I have the best of intentions, yet somewhere between planning and execution something goes awry and someone I am close to reacts in a way unforeseen through my rosy specs. It may be so clear to me that my reasoning, my opinion or my words and actions are justified and may be the best way to reach an objective, yet the person on the other end just misses it.

Maybe they can’t quite see past their own understanding and emotions to the grand scheme in my head, maybe I just haven't communicated clearly enough, or maybe my scheme really isn't so grand. Perhaps the people closest to me aren't used to anything but the agreeable and occasionally over-accommodating side of me, so when anything remotely assertive, concise or firm comes from me - anything not sugar coated with a cherry on top - they recoil.

Whatever the reason, the goodness in my plan is lost, indiscernible to the other person and I feel like they draw some tiny negative mental tally mark under my name.

This is the point at which I see the anger, hurt, sadness or confusion pass over a friend’s face and I scramble to make it better. I take the responsibility of overexplaining and overcompensating in an attempt to patch the hole I’ve inadvertently poked in the relationship while paying absolutely no mind to myself, and completely letting go of my original aim.

Whether it comes from declining an invitation because I have previous plans, saying no to a favor that I've agreed to countless times before, or simply standing my ground and protecting myself despite the potential discomfort of someone I love, the disconnect occurs. I take it personally as testament to my inability to communicate or my failure as a friend, and it manifests itself as guilt weighing on my heart.

How very ridiculous and exhausting that sounds, now that I have laid it out in print.

There must be a balance to be found between taking no heed for how my actions affect others and taking on the weight of the world as I have tendency to do? Surely a middle ground exists on which I can firmly stand?

I am a good friend and a compassionate person. I love to do everything I can to make the people I love happy and comfortable and make life easier for them. I will be empathic when a friend needs me, do what I can to make the people important to me smile and lord knows I will make the best fucking birthday cakes for them until the day I die, but it is not my station in life to expend myself trying to save the world from the tiniest grief, nor is it my job to step down if someone does not understand that and cannot see my good intent through their agenda.

In short, if someone does not like my words but they were said with honesty and the best of intention, their reaction is not my problem. I am confident that my true friendships will survive these inevitable disconnects without my overcompensation because I love those people and we have mutual commitments to our friendship.

I now descend from my soapbox; ah-thank you.