Saccharine Thoughts

I spent the weekend doing things I thought would be healing. Lots of time in the gym, a bubble bath, much-needed manicure and pedicure. Made a dent in reading Nightwatch which is getting better as I go, as any good novel should. I even got myself out of the apartment for most of Sunday to take Carmen to the dog park and have a very nice afternoon lunch with Asaf, and dinner with the ladies tonight rounded things out on a positive note. I think things are looking better, I surely want them to. The gym is definitely doing me some good, and it's slowly becoming a routine. Therapy went well today; my balance is better, I have noticeably more control over my quad muscles and complete full range of motion. I am so close to being out of this brace, it's all I can do not to get my hopes up for this week. My straight-leg extensions only lag 4 °, so my brain says sure, surely you can pull those last 4 ° this week and get out of this cage you've been dragging around. My quad says eh....

I am absolutely awestruck at how much power a human touch can contain. Especially given the right touch, the right human; it has the strength to dismiss all negative feelings. Even if for a moment, it can make everything ok again. Over the past few days I have tried to push myself to do things, enjoy things and appreciate things. I have been trying to force the positive feeling that normally comes so natural to me, but to no avail. I’m worn thin from it; unable and not knowing how to handle anything I have started to feel almost delusional and find myself laughing just because it’s far better than crying, even if there is nothing funny. Last night that right touch from the right person did more good in a moment than I have been able to do for myself in a week, and I hate it. Completely, absolutely hate it. That contempt is the shriek of my pride. The stubborn side of me that swore I could make myself better on my own and obstinately tried to impose thoughts and ...

Here goes, you get to see a side of me I hate to admit exists. I have been sunk deep into a rotten mood for days, thus the lack of entries. Feeling less like myself everyday, it is so hard to dig oneself out of that without someone there to lend a hand, but I have to, HAVE TO, pull myself out of this on my own. I can’t count on others to make me feel like me again, no matter how badly I want to curl up on my end of that bright red couch with someone next to me. While I know that would give me the sense of comfort, hope and utter happiness that I’ve been craving, it is not what I need, because there won’t always be someone there to warm the couch cushions with me. Bored, lonely, badly lacking energy. Really sore, frustrated, tired of hauling 12 pounds of steel around on my leg, tired of strangers trying to hide their stares and failing miserably. Scared shitless of a possible infection in the large incision that’s still healing, and that my surgery may fail again with no real cause desp...

Had my stitches taken out on Monday, and the doctor was extremely pleased with my progress thus far - full extension and flexion at 132 ° and walking pretty well without crutches. I still can't quite master my quad, and until I can pull off a straight leg lift without my foot lagging at all, I will be trapped in my scrap metal brace. Despite all the positive reinforcement and the reassurance that I am so far ahead of schedule from my PT, my confidence is starting to wane. Dragging this leg around is sucking that along with my energy more and more, and I am far more sore today than I have been for the past week. I am extremely sleepy, and am finding that I am having to really talk myself into doing anything more than sitting on my bed, especially at the end of the work day. I have made a commitment to go to the DataPop party tonight with a new friend (+1 right?) so even though it is the last thing I really feel up for doing, I am going. I'm just holding out hope that the party...

This comic changed my life last summer. No joke.

Progress indeed. I have reached my full extension goal already - James doesn't want me to push it any further than 0° even though my left leg hyperextends almost 15°, it will probably come naturally after a few months. I reached 128 ° flexion today, now focusing on quad control and balance. I am walking pretty well with just my brace now, only using my crutches for stairs which are a daily challenge with my third-floor apartment. I am still setting aside an hour each morning and some time at night to do all my exercises, and crunches too - I am up to 300 each morning and it's starting to show, I think... hooray for resolutions kept! I am also very grateful for neat friends - I have had a different ride to and from work and therapy every day, and had an absolutely wonderful Wednesday consisting of a red couch, a ridiculous movie and leftovers; really, what more could a girl ask for? So it seems that I am moving right along ahead of schedule, just keeping my fingers crossed that...

Such a lucky girl, I feel an awful lot like this today.

Why can't we get all the people together in the world that we really like and then just stay together? I guess that wouldn't work. Someone would leave. Someone always leaves. Then we would have to say good-bye. I hate good-byes. I know what I need. I need more hellos. -Charles M. Schulz

Surgery went well yesterday; long (over two hours!) but good. Luckily, I was able to exchange gross amounts of narcotics for an ephemeral nerve block, meaning I was alert enough after recovery yesterday to navigate my mother around Austin and make it up the 3 flights of stairs to my apartment. All hail the anesthesiologist at NASC. If you're interested in the details, this site gives a decent description of the procedure. My ACL was in two pieces, lateral meniscus severed again and one of my old screws had to be drilled out of my tibia to make room for a new one. Seeing as how I didn't have any tendons left to harvest to replace my own and mine are pretty useless anyway (they're akin to those rubberbands that have been stretched and stretched until they're white in some places, and you're just waiting for to snap) so an allograph was used. I had my first session of physical therapy this morning at 9AM, which I think went well. I feel vindicated; it looks li...

Me: hrm, what should i do with my last 3 days of pre-surgery normalcy & independence? Jason: go carts mt. bonnel get a massage get a cupcake play kickball have dinner with me fly a kite draw a puppy make an ice sculpture go to the drafthouse make out with kacey set off a bunch of fireworks I have brilliant friends.